[muhl-tee-task, -tahsk, muhl-tahy-]
1: (of one person) to perform two or more tasks simultaneously.
We’re all busy people. And being busy, we have to multitask. For instance, imagine me commuting somewhere (a rarity—working from home and all), listening to a podcast, and styling my adorable Mii with dumb clothes in Miitomo (just kidding—no one plays that anymore), all simultaneously. “Where are my one-handed games?” I recently asked myself, and from the distant country of Japan, Shigeru Miyamoto heard. He channeled his inner Mario, and platformed his way to the Apple keynote stage to announce a surprise game to solve our multitasking gaming needs: a thankfully-not-free-to-play runner called Super Mario Run.
Introducing this incredibly novel, fresh idea of one-handed playing is nothing short of genius from the man who brought us Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, and Pikmin. As he stood proudly on Apple’s stage, Miyamoto listed a number of things players can do alongside Super Mario Run, including eating a burger, holding onto a handle on the subway, and chomping down on an apple. Miyamoto presented this triforce-like power of one-handed activities (bless his heart) where we might find ourselves bored out of our minds, and thirsting for that accessible Mario experience. I know I often find myself bored, and wondering what to do with a spare hand.
But Miyamoto had some glaring omissions. Luckily, your resident prolific multitasker Caty McCarthy (hey, that’s me) is around to fill in the negligent gaps in Miyamoto’s pitch. You’re welcome! No need to thank me. Anyways, here are 12 things that you can do while bouncing Goombas to death and collecting coins in Super Mario Run.
1. Drink a coffee. Because believe me, you need the energy to get through the day. And to collect those coins.
2. Play a round of Overwatch and lose! You’re playing with one hand, silly. You can’t help your team hindered like that, even if you are just a Torbjörn.
3. Prick your hand on the cactus on your desk. I do this accidentally while reaching for things all the time. Why not do it intentionally? Build up calluses for that extra hand, buddy.
4. Check on your Pokémon Go account from your expensive Apple Watch. You make six-figures a year and can afford a piece of needless wrist-tech that will be obsolete in a couple years, right?
5. Fish for those wireless Apple EarPods that slid behind your desk. Where did they go? How will you listen to the sweet sounds of Super Mario Run now? No one knows, except for the dust on your dirty floor that has consumed them, never to be found again.
6. Enthusiastically finger point in the air along to a song you’re listening to. If you’re at a concert, all the better! Just make sure your eyes don’t leave that Super Mario Run screen, bud. Precious mushrooms are at stake.
7. Make a level in Super Mario Maker. Throw in some springs to make it like a runner. Voila! You just re-invented Super Mario Run.
8. The obvious one-handed spare time activity. Just wash your hands before and after, please.
9. Sacrifice a lamb.
10. Play rock paper scissors. (Special thanks to Josh Calixto for this suggestion, and the one below, sorta.)
11. Squeeze a stressball, because your high scores in Super Mario Run are terrible. You’re ashamed of yourself. You’re breaking out in intense stress eczema, like that guy from The Night Of. The stressball lessens this pain. If your hand grows free for a moment, feel free to wipe away those tears. Just make sure no one sees.
12. Uh, play Super Mario Run in your other hand too! Use your significant other’s phone, or a friend’s, or your iPad. Or just imagine it, I guess. Or play another, probably better Mario game. That’s an option too.
Gear up to sprint across the Mushroom Kingdom when Super Mario Run is out this December for iOS (and Android at a later date), long before whatever Animal Crossing and Fire Emblem’s apps end up being. I hope none of them are a disaster. I will probably spend money on them all, regardless.