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More fortune tellers need monkey onesies and glitches

I’ve never truly let my life cave to the imperative wills of a fortune teller. Either I don’t want to pain myself by thinking I’ve missed the relationship of my life with the lively girl attending the cinema in a pink tutu (a bizarrely specific fortune I once had), or I perceive them as not being relevant to me. My obligation to guard myself makes the former ring true, but the latter also does considering that fortune tellers have always been an experience I’ve obtained through other people.

At first, it was one sister, and then the other, as they each in turn went through enough weekly teen girl magazines to paper the interior of our house. With no one else on hand, I was the subject upon which they trialled countless “Which celebrity are you?” quizzes (Britney, of course) and, yes, fortune tellers. Through my sisters I delighted in this purportedly girly ritual while maintaining a facade of disinterest, therefore upholding the boyishness I pretended to represent, like a porcelain boy with bits of girl effusing through the hairline cracks.

Can you believe in the power of a person in a monkey onesie dancing 

My grandparents let me routinely exorcise this demon of forbidden enthusiasm that my sisters had bred inside of me without all the gendered implications. I could sit on the couch next to them as they wielded a newspaper that, apparently, detailed all the romances and tribulations of my future. All I had to do was answer their questions and watch their aging faces alternately pull wrinkles and jowels into warm swoons and grouchy condemnations for acts I had yet to commit.

Despite my disinterest in matching up generalized predictions with my daily life, I’ve a fascination with mysticism, and as divination is the crowned ruler of the mystic, it draws my interest. And so Monkey Fortunetell‘s all-dancing devotion to the magic and promise of the supernatural sings lovingly to my heart.

It begins on the game’s website with a short history of its use by monkeystics and ancient monkeyccultists in the mid-15th century. We’re told that Monkey Fortunetell is the stuff of legend, apparently ending the Black Plague in Europe, before eventually disappearing from the public in the late 18th century. But now it has been re-discovered—well, in 2014 it apparently was—so you can play it for yourself.

It’s all baloney but you have to believe. You must believe. That may or may not be easier to do when you start playing Monkey Fortunetell. Can you believe in the power of a person in a monkey onesie, dancing in front of a twitching quilt of loud letters and polychromatic glitches, while you shake the prophetical monkeys in a barrel? Yeah, it’s absurd, but it’s a lot of fun, and a fortune teller that doesn’t take itself too seriously is no bad thing in my mind.  

After the barrel-shaking ritual is over, you’re given your fortune, which consists of a bunch of differently colored monkeys sprawled out across a pentagram. There’s a guide in the main menu that explains how you can read this formation in more detail, but highlighting the monkeys with your cursor does enough, telling you the problems in your life and perhaps their solutions as well.

You can do as you wish with that last bit. But whether you believe it or not, Monkey Fortuneteller certainly knows how to play up the supernatural grandeur of fortune tellers. That’s always been my favorite aspect of it, and adding the shake of a monkey butt and some visual blemishes to the ritual finally makes for a fortune teller that feels like it was made for me.

You can play or download Monkey Fortuneteller for free on its website.