Well then, with the official start of spring a mere ten days away and temperatures rising in at least some parts of the country, it’s time to start shaking off winter’s deathly grip. And I couldn’t imagine a better way of doing that than with the magical Skeletal Dance Simulator.
It’s all about shaking your booty and, to put it bluntly, giving exactly zero fucks. At least, that’s how I played it. There isn’t much explanation (actually no explanation) for the bizarre world of Skeletal Dance Simulator, but somehow you understand it anyway. You appear to be in some sort of voxel-art purgatory, where you play as a pink Cat-Girl Witch killing knights with the help of her dancing skeleton minions. I know I might sound like I’m on some really hard drugs right now, but spend just one minute in Skeletal Dance Simulator‘s world and you’ll stop throwing me quizzical looks. There’s a lot of fun to be had here. Promise.
A few key objects exist alongside you in in your white purgatory: an orb keeping your skeleton minions animated (and booty poppin’), as well as a coffin that horribly mutilates—erm I mean magically transfigures—the corpses of defeated foes into more skeletal back-up dancers.
As evidenced in the gif above, there’s a beautiful synchronicity to the way you move alongside your skeletal minions. But, more than just a visual synchronicity, there’s an emotional one too. Whenever I’d finish sending my minions to deal with the brutes, I’d turn around and start flipping over bookshelves and other intractable objects—raging against the machine alongside my minion like the badass witch that I am. There’s a pretty unbreakable bond to be felt here with your skeleton friends.
While sending skeleton minions to do your bidding might sound easy, you have to take into account the finicky ragdoll controls. Usually, finicky controls are the death of fun, but this, too, makes sense within Skeletal Dance Simulator‘s world. You’re a witch, after all, trying to control unwieldy witch powers across long distances (while dancing). And anyway, when you pull of a move—like in one swoop sending both a skeleton to attack an oncoming knight and a lifeless knight-corpse right into the coffin—you’ll feel like a witch goddess.
At one point, I reanimated a skeleton onto a knight’s face, causing the two to become physically entwined by the arms as my skeleton ate his soul in seconds. The fallen knight’s lifeless limbs clung onto my skeleton, as he continued to gyrate in time with the music. It was a macabre dance, whimsical while also bordering on the obscene. It was by far the most magical thing I’ve laid eyes on all week (sorry Apple Watch).
And make no mistake, this might look like just a cutesy world of death dance-offs, but it’s also a pretty punishing game. It’s easy to lose track of enemies while shaking your booty like you just don’t care. If a knight slips by your defense line unnoticed, it could mean the end of your party bear shake-off.
I’d say my biggest gripe with Skeletal Dance Simulator is its lack of a mute button. While the song provided by Connor Linning is perfectly kitschy and strange for the game, this dance party could be infinitely enhanced by the power of my iTunes playlist. Imagine playing this game to Jesse James’ “Bang, Bang” or Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse?” Can you say #BadWitchAlert?