Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your Hijacker Speaking

Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck: This is your hijacker speaking.

On behalf of your former captain—who is currently hurtling toward the earth at terminal velocity—I’d like to welcome you aboard Panau Airlines Flight 635, with service to wherever I feel like ditching the aircraft.

We’ll be cruising today at an altitude of let’s say 30,000 feet, because I’m not really sure how to read this thing. And, let’s be honest, we won’t be cruising for very long before I get bored and decide to hop onto an oncoming F-14. But don’t worry about me: I’ve got an infinite supply of parachutes.

Passengers in the rear of the cabin, you may feel a slight drag below your seat and hear some crunching and squealing noises—like metal grinding on metal. No cause for alarm. That’s only the sports car I grapple-hooked to the fuselage before takeoff. Just because.

The weather report: Clear skies today, 72 degrees, with light winds coming from the, uh, probably the northwest. Why not.

Some quick safety information for you on this Aeroliner 474: If you look in the seat pocket in front of you, you’ll find a card detailing all the hideous ways this flying deathtrap could go down, with some stick figures illustrating the proper responses to each scenario. You’ll want to study those closely.

If there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure, possibly due to surface-to-air missile impact, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling for your use. And in the fairly likely event of a water landing, please follow all crewmember instructions, if said crewmembers are not already underwater.

As a reminder, there is no smoking on all Panau Airlines flights. Remember, kids: That’s a dangerous habit.

Finally, please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are locked in their upright position. Not for any real reason; I’ve just always wanted to say that.

Passengers in the emergency exit rows, if you look out your windows later in our flight today, you may see a heavily armed figure stunt-riding on the wing. That’ll be yours truly. Again, no cause for alarm. Remember, infinite parachutes.

Now, folks. As to those rumors about a “terrorist” here on Panau: I’ve got to say, I resent that term. I prefer to think of myself as more of a Chaosist. I’m not systematically destroying your beautiful country in service of any political or religious ideal. No, like any good shadowy U.S.-trained private military operative, I’m blowing shit up for fun and profit. And, of course, for freedom.

In a moment your in-flight crew will be coming through the cabin with complimentary alcohol service. You’re gonna need it.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, I’d like to thank you for choosing Panau Airlines, where we live up to our motto: “And you thought the TSA was scary!”


Image from Just Cause 2