We wrote an ode for every character in Overwatch

How do you tackle a game as big and aqueous as Overwatch? Every so many weeks its meta game changes; characters fall in and out of favor, you win, you lose, you get fed up of firing pellets into Reinhardt’s shield for entire rounds. These changes are, for the most part, minuscule—noticeable only to the most dedicated players. Stand back far enough and you wouldn’t see them. What you will be able to observe from such a distance, however, is a maelstrom of rockets, gigantic thighs, and dragon spirits twirling in deadly coitus. Overwatch stands out for its personalities, so we thought, heck, let’s write about that.

Right now, Overwatch has 22 characters in its lineup—guns slung over their shoulders, leaning against mechs, twirling on blades as you mouse over them, making your choice. That’s probably too many to write about individually, you might think. We think differently. We did exactly that. We assembled 22 of our best writers and set them to work—a writer to jump into the skin (or robotic shell) of each virtual personality. The result is 22 odes. You can use the “Overwatch odes” tag to leaf through them all, or use the handy list below.

Offensive Heroes

Genji – Genji is with you
McCree – Who you kidding? McCree is Overwatch‘s true shooter
Pharah – Don’t play fair, play Pharah, exclusively
Reaper – In defense of Reaper, the patron saint of mall-goth teens
Soldier 76 – Soldier 76 is here to make everyone else look good
Tracer – A series of limericks about Tracer, because why not

Defensive Heroes

Bastion – Bastion is the machine pointed at the world
Hanzo – Hanzo “looks like a good man,” my Japanese mom raves
Junkrat – I have fallen in love with Junkrat
Mei – Here comes Mei, the badass nerd hell-bent on revenge
Torbjörn – An ode to hard-working, salt-of-the-earth Torbjörn
Widowmaker – Widowmaker made a widow of me

Tank Heroes

D.Va – An ode to D.Va, the sassiest dream girl this side of Overwatch
Reinhardt – An ode to Reinhardt, tortured scion of a broken land
Roadhog – An ode to Roadhog is an ode to ugliness
Winston – Winston, the Science Gorilla, is in charge
Zarya – Zarya makes Mother Russia her bitch

Support Heroes

Ana – Ana is the protective mother we all want
Lucio – Inside the idiot party-bubble of Lucio
Mercy – Mercy is the most terrifying character in Overwatch
Symmetra – Go ahead, sleep on Symmetra
Zenyatta – Praise be to Zenyatta, then chill the heck out