We love Overwatch. So we assembled 22 of our best writers and set them to work—a writer to jump into the skin (or robotic shell) of each character. The result is 22 odes. You can use the “Overwatch odes” tag to leaf through them all, or use the handy list at the bottom of this post.
For real, the Overwatch stable of dudes is stocked with tryhards and fuccbois—whether they’re chomping on cigars like a pre-senile Clint Eastwood, or floating across the stage wishing they were at a Type O Negative concert.
Comparatively, the two playable Omnic characters are the most effortlessly rad of the group, even though we are constantly reminded in backgrounds and vocal quips that the Omnics were bad news, not to be trusted.
Though I have much respect for Bastion’s bird fondness, my man/bot Zenyatta is the stylish and super-chill Sakamoto of this game. He is the embodiment of “be cool,” never getting flustered while hovering around with nimble poise and deceptive lethargy.
Zenyatta lives in the danger zone—he’s on fire the second he wakes up, zapping discord orbs to increase damage in the streets and zipping healing harmony orbs in the sheets. Zenyatta shreds tanks to ribbons, can waltz with grace no matter the partner, and passes out puns and koans like full-sized candy bars on Halloween.
But Zenyatta is blindingly effervescent when bringing out the best of his team, handing out kills with a distant nod and playing medic from the shadows. But that doesn’t mean he can’t take center stage when necessary, because when this titanium monk invites you to gaze into the iris, things are gonna get transcendent.
Genji – Genji is with you
McCree – Who you kidding? McCree is Overwatch‘s true shooter
Pharah – Don’t play fair, play Pharah, exclusively
Reaper – In defense of Reaper, the patron saint of mall-goth teens
Soldier 76 – Soldier 76 is here to make everyone else look good
Tracer – A series of limericks about Tracer, because why not
Bastion – Bastion is the machine pointed at the world
Hanzo – Hanzo “looks like a good man,” my Japanese mom raves
Junkrat – I have fallen in love with Junkrat
Mei – Here comes Mei, the badass nerd hell-bent on revenge
Torbjörn – An ode to hard-working, salt-of-the-earth Torbjörn
Widowmaker – Widowmaker made a widow of me
D.Va – An ode to D.Va, the sassiest dream girl this side of Overwatch
Reinhardt – An ode to Reinhardt, tortured scion of a broken land
Roadhog – An ode to Roadhog is an ode to ugliness
Winston – Winston, the Science Gorilla, is in charge
Zarya – Zarya makes Mother Russia her bitch
Ana – Ana is the protective mother we all want
Lucio – Inside the idiot party-bubble of Lucio
Mercy – Mercy is the most terrifying character in Overwatch
Symmetra – Go ahead, sleep on Symmetra