A review of the special packaging the review copy of Resident Evil 6 came in

Today, Resident Evil 6 arrived in our office. We have a gentleman/woman’s agreement with Capcom not to publish anything about the game until October 1. So instead, we’re doing a comprehensive review of every aspect of the special packaging. Enjoy!

Rust: There are streaks of a rust-like substance spanning approximately ten percent of the surface area of the box. This is the real unreal deal, probably the best fake authentic rust I have ever seen. It feels exactly like rust. It looks exactly like rust. I attemtped to lick my finger and rub some of the rust off; no success. I used my nails to scratch off a tiny little bit of the rust just to make sure that it was actually fake. I am 84 percent sure that this is not real rust. 

Warning tape: Not of the same high quality as the rust. These insignificant sticky strips of yellow are very insubstantial for warning tape. They barely kept me out of the box, and I have no idea how they would keep someone out of an actual Biohazard site.

The box: The box is possessed of a nice tin feel, which helps me imagine why it would rust. Speckled with paint and other debris, the box suggests that someone has gone to great lengths to get me what is inside the box. The inside of this highly corroded box is suspciously spotless. 

Newspaper: The Ivy Daily News has some major problems and if it hopes to survive in a print journalism industry in the midst of a painful contraction it will need to make some changes. There appear to be three major headline stories that the editor of the paper has decided to condense into one. I fully believe that the assassination of the president, the decmiation of the Chinese population by a super-virus, and a look forward or news analysis on those stories all deserve page-one, above-the-fold treatment. I also wonder whether readers will continue to purchase the Ivy Daily News, which is only one page long, for the listed price of one dollar.

NO HOPE LEFT DVD: Clearly the residents of Raccoon City have not taken into account recent developments in the computer industry when they made their NO HOPE LEFT DVD, as the new Mac Book Air, with which I am equipped, does not have a DVD drive. 

Post it-note: A post-it note on the actual game, within the box, informed me that RE6 was “THE LAST GAME I EVER PLAYED!” I wish I could thank him for this but he has not listed a contact point. Also, it was very considerate of him to wrap the game back in airtight celophane after playing his last game ever.

The letter and the Polaroids: The letter is done in extremely neat, evenly-spaced, and legible handwriting, which makes me question its legitimacy as a document from the early days of a zombie apocalypse, where fear and stress would likely have played their deleterious tricks on small-motor skill. The Polaroids are facsimile Polaroids, depicting models. I am now seized with the desire to save the Polaroid of the baby, track the model down when he is a grown person, present him with the polaroid and introduce myself to him as an old friend, to see if he believes me. This will be the truest test of the packaging of RE:6, and until then I must render a verdict of